Thursday, December 24, 2009


When I'm all alone with nothing better to do than ponder my own existence, I always end up dwelling on my dysfunction. Overanalyze with the overzealous-ness of an over-neurotic nutcase. Think and think and think about things that should be left alone. It pains me to realize that all I ever think about are my faults; then, when the time comes to better myself, I fall flat. I lack the motivation because I'm afraid to fail. I know that if I never try then I'll never get anywhere but failure has seemed to be a prominent in my life for the past year and a half. That sort of situation doesn't present a promising outlook on any future endeavors I might choose to take on.

It's the eve of Christmas. Now, I may not be religious but Christmas time has always been a small reprieve in the winter doldrums. These past months I eagerly awaited the time between that Thursday in November and the 25th of December but this year the holidays have done little to ease the cold months. I decorated the house and enveloped my ears with my annual Christmas playlist but nothing would avail the blistering grip that my head has wrapped around my heart.

I want to turn off my brain. Give it a Valium, sit it down and tell it to shut the fuck up for two seconds so I can just let things happen. My stress levels rise as my brain activity increases.

This over-analytical bug that has nested in my mind stems from a fear of judgement. I am my own worst critic but in my mind so are you, and you, and you.

Song of the moment: Street Flash- Animal Collective

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