#16

When I'm all alone with nothing better to do than ponder my own existence, I always end up dwelling on my dysfunction. Overanalyze with the overzealous-ness of an over-neurotic nutcase. Think and think and think about things that should be left alone. It pains me to realize that all I ever think about are my faults; then, when the time comes to better myself, I fall flat. I lack the motivation because I'm afraid to fail. I know that if I never try then I'll never get anywhere but failure has seemed to be a prominent in my life for the past year and a half. That sort of situation doesn't present a promising outlook on any future endeavors I might choose to take on.

It's the eve of Christmas. Now, I may not be religious but Christmas time has always been a small reprieve in the winter doldrums. These past months I eagerly awaited the time between that Thursday in November and the 25th of December but this year the holidays have done little to ease the cold months. I decorated the house and enveloped my ears with my annual Christmas playlist but nothing would avail the blistering grip that my head has wrapped around my heart.

I want to turn off my brain. Give it a Valium, sit it down and tell it to shut the fuck up for two seconds so I can just let things happen. My stress levels rise as my brain activity increases.

This over-analytical bug that has nested in my mind stems from a fear of judgement. I am my own worst critic but in my mind so are you, and you, and you.

Song of the moment: Street Flash- Animal Collective

#15

So recently I've learned that I am impatient. I have no tolerance for ignorance and I have no reason to deal with stupidity. I don't deny that I have made some decisions in my life that aren't the most educated choices but ultimately they effect no one but me. I have spent the last few days with family members who speak their opinion too often and have no regard for others. Their voices full of contempt for things that they do not understand. I respect that they have choices but to disregard the opinions of others and look down upon them makes it difficult for me to respect anything they say. There is a wide spectrum to observe and they are obtuse in their sight. My facade can only go on for so long.

I started my application to the Art Institute International of Kansas City Culinary program. It seems a bit different from applying to a university. I hope it turns out well.

I realized in these past few days that though I have only resided in Lawrence a short while, it has become my home. Everything I love is there and no where else can quite compare. My friends are my family and the house on 26th is my home.

I wish life were easier. The dynamics of living prove to be too much for me sometimes.

Song of the moment: The Honey, the Power, the Light- Golden Shoulders

#14

It has been a while since I last wrote. I just took a short break I guess.

I made a Facebook page for my cat Alice today. She is one popular feline. I really do love her.

Weekends have been busy lately. Friends visiting from the city of Emporia have kept me occupied. Also, the Barber and I have been tackling some serious video game quests. Resident Evil 5 and Oblivion have been consuming most of our time. Speaking of the Barber, he and I will be roommates as of tomorrow. It won't be much of a change considering he is here most nights but making it official will be lovely.

I have been watching a lot of movies. Just recently, a friend and I delved into our childhood and watched The Neverending Story. It is a lot different watching it as an adult, but the nostalgia is overwhelming.

Anime, though I never thought I would get in to it, has lately been prevalent on my television screen. Mostly classics such as Akira, Ninja Scroll, and Princess Mononoke. They are all stunningly eye-catching and the animation is impeccable. It seems to be an untapped well in my life and is definitely worth exploring further.

On a recommendation from a friend, I started reading a book series by Robert Jordan entitled, The Wheel of Time. From what I have read so far, Jordan's writing seems to be a tribute to J.R.R. Tolkien's genre and style of writing. There are 12 books to this series so it is a large task for me to take on. But, it so far it seems to be unquestionably well written.

The first session of the Dungeons and Dragons campaign is nearly here. I know in my previous post I had stated that the end of September would be the starting date, but our DM has been busy. I started my character sketch today and I'm hoping that the simplicity of the art won't deter from the strength of my character. After many nights of contemplation, I chose to be an Elven ranger. We also have a Paladin and a Druid. It should prove to be a worthwhile campaign.

Searching for a job has proved futile. 3 months and 37 applications later I am still jobless and now, nearly penniless. It is beyond aggravating to want to work and not be able to. Hopefully fortune will soon shine is glowing warmth upon my life.

The Christmas season is nearing and as each day is crossed off the calendar, my mood slowly rises into a state of pure bliss. The decorations are soon going to make their way out of the boxes and cheer will burst from the seams of my home. Just this evening, the Barber and I watched The Muppet Christmas Carol in the hopes of sparking the Christmas spirit. I'm feeling merrier by the minute.

Song of the moment: After Hours- We Are Scientists

#13

I have come to find that doing homework is much simpler than going to class. I have lost a lot of motivation for schooling now that I have culinary school in front of me. The distance between my house and campus has proved no aid. I am stuck in the realm of mediocrity and I don't know if I am driven enough to find my way out.

Speaking of realms, a few folks and I are beginning what should be an epic Dungeons & Dragons campaign. It will hopefully be in full swing by the end of the month. The Barber, the Barista, the D.M., the Wondergirl and myself will be battling it out once a week in my kitchen.

I received a record player the other day. A birthday present from my parents. The Crosley Rochester 4-1 entertainment system. It is a beauty. It has got a turntable, a CD player, a tape deck and a radio.

That gem right in the center is my brand new record playing baby. Happy early birthday to me.

In my last post I mentioned a new piece of artwork I would be adding to my body. Well...

I thought it turned out looking pretty snazzy. Many people were displeased that it would be difficult to cover up, but sometimes getting a new tattoo is about showing it off a bit. Perhaps I will regret it in later years but I'm a girl that finds it hard to see that big picture everyone talks about so much. It must be a pretty big picture if everyone seems to be so interested in it.

I have been baking. I made a delectable apple pie last week and a blackberry chocolate pie. They were both unbelievably good. Gone within a few days of being made. It makes culinary school look like the shining star of my future. Without that to look forward to, I have nothing.

Employment in Lawrence has proved elusive. I have applied to many places and heard back from none. I call back just to discover they have already found someone else. How can this many people have better resumes than me. It is beyond aggravating. I brought in my resume to what seemed like a sure thing just to find out that my availability was not ideal. The owner of the shop didn't completely deny me but he seemed hesitant and I most likely did not get it. Hopefully things will turn around.

#12

So it has been some time. QUITE a bit has occurred in the past month. I am living in Lawrence, KS now. I'm moved in. My time here in this house has mostly consisted of cooking a handsome amount of food, getting unbelievably high and canoodling with my new best friend, Ms. Felis domesticus. The rest of my free time is spent either hunting for employment, going to class, or hanging out with the Barber. My life may not be exciting, but I'm comfortable and that's fine by me.

I'm getting some new ink tomorrow. A calla lilly on my forearm. Nothing too big. Just something simple. This will be my 5th tattoo. I'm downright addicted. Pictures will be posted eventually.

I have decided to start a post card collection. It's not very big thus far but with friends from so many places, I feel like it's quite possible to have a substantial amount by the end of the year. So, I know it's not likely that many people read this, but if anyone does, send me an email to liz_sax18@hotmail.com, and if I deem it safe, I'll give you my address and we can exchange post cards. And a pen-pal would be a lovely addition as well.

My voyage to Chicago was interesting. It was relaxing to say the least. I felt awfully pampered. I also made a delicious meal of shrimp scampi while I was there. I was very proud of how well it turned out. It was good to feel comfortable somewhere other than Kansas. I'll visit again soon.

I'm traveling back to Manhattan this weekend along with the Barber, carpooling and such. It's the Clumsy Cook's birthday this Monday so it will be festivities this weekend. I hope seeing my mother doesn't spark any ill-will between us. She's a firecracker.

Right now there just seems to be an endless list of things to do and I am truly moseying my way through it. I just haven't had much motivation to progress through things quickly. Cynicism can way you down a bit it seems. For now I'll just take my time as usual.

#11

Tomorrow is the day. I'm ecstatic at the thought of finally being reunited with the home I am truly meant to inhabit, even if only for a short while.

Packing has proved difficult. Despite the fact that for the past week my life has a been a, so to speak, garage sale, I still seem to have more material items than ever. Nonetheless, I have planned and replanned the framework for my future room in Lawrence and I believe that everything will have its own place.

I recently went to a thrift-store and there I found a gem. A piece truly crafted after my own heart and at the price of only $12.00. I felt like a thief, it was such a good deal.

Along with this bee's knees piece of furniture I also found another steal.

And to complete the thrift store deals of the week in Liz's world...

This was the last project my wonderful sewing machine every saw. I tailored this dress to fit just right. Now, the sewing machine is off to Florida. Auctioned off on ebay to someone looking for a gift for their decrepit mother. As my wondrous lover had just offered to buy my sewing machine for me in hopes that I would be able to keep it, in the last hours of the auction this wicked woman bought it right out from under his feet. Now it is gone.

I have been searching relentlessly for an affordable record player. Due to my limited budget I would like to find one that is reasonably priced but still decent in its condition. Because the player I have been using is my parents, I will have nothing to listen to my records on if I do not find one soon. Hopefully I did not waste all my good shopping karma on the three thrift store items above.

In a week I will be moving out again. I shouldn't be panic stricken as though it were my first day at college, yet, I am. I am petrified at the thought of making the fallacious choice all over again. What if I do everything incorrectly. Making the same mistake twice is one thing I often do. Probably to my demise. Every time I try and discuss my trepidation with anyone they tell me I am being too pessimistic and not to agonize over the situation. Yet, I voiced this perturbation last year and look where I ended up. I attempt to look at the positive but it's hard when I have already selected the wrong future once and to think that this will be any better of a situation is just pure ignorance. I have lost conviction in myself. I doubt all my own decisions because so far they have all led me astray. So what's to say that all the decisions I make now and in further months will lead me any closer to what I want. Which is what?

There is my obstacle. A lack of direction.

#10

A few days have passed. Nothing too much worthy of note has occurred. But, nonetheless, recording things helps clear the mind and focus the thoughts.

I was having a discussion with my best friend the clumsy cook today and we brought up an interesting observation: Why do we force ourselves to do things just for the sake of doing them? The topic was not that in specifics, but the idea was generally in that direction.

To discuss.

I am a girl who is quite content with sitting on a chair with some good television, another simple occupying task, and another person for company. I do not see any reason why that situation is frowned upon. In a town as small as Manhattan is, finding things to occupy your time is very difficult when you are on an excruciatingly tight budget. So I enjoy much simpler things. Baking. Television. Swimming. Board games. Conversation. But, whenever I want to spend time with anyone besides the clumsy cook, these activities always create a tension. The company often feels the need to be doing something. I am not going to get all gussied up, waste my gas and my money on pointless activities just so that the other person can feel like they did something worthwhile. If they were truly my friend, then the pleasure of each other's company would satisfy all needs and the activity would mean much less. I'm tired of feeling obligated to think of some exciting activity to partake in just to kill time that I would much rather spend doing un-demanding, no-frills pursuits. Why other people feel that constant tug, I will never understand. I am easily fulfilled with the above list of pastimes. Clumsy cook agrees. She seems to be the only one around here with some common sense. Which must be why we live on the same brainwave.

In other news...

Clumsy cook and I made a pie today. Triple chocolate with a mixed berry glaze sauce. Pictures to come soon. Another magnificent dish.

I sold a piece of my history today for some much needed money. I wish my mother believed in garage sales. I would probably pocket more if I sold in bulk. Oh well. You live, you learn.

My job as maid will be completed in less than a week. I hunger for the last hours of this wretched job to be here. My next place of employment will surely be better than this. Picking up turkey droppings would be enjoyable in comparison. We shall see.

I replaced the strings on my hollow, wooden, creature of music. The e-string broke a long time back and I finally found the moment to buy a replacement. Tunes are a flyin' from my finger tips.

Come to think of it, three things of importance to me were fixed today. The Millennium Falcon has been having some trouble with its brakes. My maintenance friend told me to replace the brake fluid. A simple an economical fix. When I stood in front of the hood, popped and exposed, I was proud that I new where to poke and where to poor to fix the problem. A triumph for the woman kind. Thank goodness. My mobile device was also replaced today. After months of reading messages backwards or askew, I finally got a replica without the kinks in the system.

All is well in the house of Curly Kansas.